Behind Closed Doors With Senators Cruz, Hawley, Cotton and Blackburn (SATIRE)
Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO): “So guys, what’s your take on the confirmation hearings so far? Think we’ve scored any significant points?”
Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR): “Certainly not enough to keep her from being confirmed by the Senate as a whole. But we knew that going in . . . We’ll be lucky to keep the committee from sending her name up to the floor on a tie vote, although there’s no telling how Dr. Sasse’s going to vote . . . I mean he didn’t even show up when she was being voted on for D.C. circuit last year. Personally, I think he’s squishy soft when it comes to our issues.”
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX): “Yeah, but unless I’m dumb as a community college grad, defeating her in committee . . . let alone the Senate . . . wasn’t our purpose in the first place. We all know that what we’re after is scoring points with the hoi polloi . . . which I, as a graduate of both Princeton and Harvard Law, class of ‘95, where I was editor of the Harvard Law Review . . . know means the common folk, and not ‘The Upper Crust’ like most idiots do . . . “
Senator Marsha Blackburn (R-TN): “Shut the f. . .k up Ted. We all know you graduated from Princeton and Harvard Law, and that Josh here graduated from Stanford and Yale, and that Ben Sasse earned degrees from Harvard, St. John’s and Yale. And you can even look over at the Dems on the committee and see Booker, Klobuchar, Blumenthal, Coons and Whitehouse, all of whom graduated from Yale. Big deal . . . none of you ever started a successful business like my Mister and me. And by the way: what’s this guys crap? I’m not a guy. I’m a a friggin gal. And don’t you forget it!”
Cotton: “Yeah Marsha, we hear ‘ya, but right about now, here in this little private hidey hole, you sound all kinds a’ “woke” to me. But out there in the big, bad hard-nosed world of political warfare, you come off like some sort of June Cleaver ‘Suzy Homemaker’ clone who’d prefer hanging out in the kitchen, standing by your man. What gives? Are you in reality a RINO?”
Marsha: “Of course not! You know better than that! It’s just that when the doors are closed, the cameras have gone dark and the stringers have scattered, we all get to loosen our girdles ‘n ties, toss out the scripts and act and speak like real selves. And the great thing about it is that the simpletons we urge to give us bucks and votes don’t even know the difference. Ain’t it the truth?”
Cruz: Yeah Marsha, we all know it’s true; that’s just the nature of big-league politics . . . for both us and the folks across the aisle. Although just between you, me and the hitchin’ post, we are one hell of a lot more obvious about it than the Dems. I mean Hell’s bells: just so long as we keep 99.44% in the good graces of our numb-nuts leader, we’re going to keep on getting reelected, turnin’ back the country to the way it was when Mrs. Cleaver was raising Wally and the Beaver and the Lord’s Prayer was said everyday in school across the nation. Fear’s the ticket . . . fear of the lying left-wing fake media; fear of non-Aryan immigrants and the ‘Black Lives Matter’ crowd, and fear of ‘The Squad’ . . . as if these gals are the entirety of the ultra-Socialistic Democrat Party.”
Josh: “But aren’t we going to have to eventually say what we’re for and not just what we’re against? Up till seems to me all we’re doin’ is implying, not stating, that we’re for defending the White Christian masses from a future filled with Commies, homosexuals, pedophiles and teachers’ unions bent on ‘groomin’ children for lives filled with godless filth. I mean that’s why we kept on hammerin’ away at Judge Jackson’s record, making her seem like the kind of jurist who in an earlier day would have been the protector of Oscar Wilde, Lord Montbatten and Errol Flynn. I mean, we couldn’t attack her on her record . . . she did one hell of a lot better at L-school than any of us, and turned out to be virtually unflappable. Hate to admit it, but that woman is the real deal . . . but let’s keep it to ourselves. We’re just lucky that the Democrats didn’t point out that we haven’t proposed a single piece of legislation dealing with child porn . . . or that we’ve loudly supported Supreme Court nominees who are less than paragons of virtue . . . remember Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh?”
Cruz: “Now wait just a second there Josh: when it comes to anti-child porn legislation, Lindsey Graham does have a bill to form a commission to study online child porn (for which you, Marsha, were a co-sponsor), and I for one introduced a bill to nix Covid relief rebates to those convicted of sex offenses involving children . . . and oh yeah, remember that book I ragged on about as being filthy dirty and ought to be removed from school libraries? Anti-Racist Baby by Ibram X. Kendi? Well, I’ll be hornswoggled: it’s now the #1 bestselling children’s book on Amazon. Sort of makes me wish I’d read the bugger instead of just claiming I had . . .
Marsha: “. . . and speaking of your bill Ted, you know as well as I that got a big fat zero co-sponsors and was never even assigned to a committee . . . and by the way, you never got on board Lindsey’s commission bill . . . “
Tom: ‘Let’s be honest guys ‘n gal, so far as the Jackson hearing, we did the best we could. Let’s admit it behind closed doors: nary a Republican - and that includes Matt Gaetz, Lauren Boebert and Madison Cawthorn - for one second believes that Judge Brown-Jackson is ‘soft on porn.’ All we were doin’ was grandstanding to beat the band . . . and for good reason: to stay in the good graces of the QAnon wing of the party. We all read polls the way bookies pour over Vegas betting odds, and know very well that a poll from PRRI found that 23 percent of Republicans believe that ‘the government, media, and financial worlds in the U.S. are controlled by a group of Satan-worshiping pedophiles who run a global child sex trafficking operation,’ and that another poll by YouGov found that fully 50 percent of Trump’s supporters believe that ‘top Democrats are involved in elite child sex-trafficking rings.”’ And while we may all agree that this is a barrel of crap while sitting behind closed doors, it would be political suicide not to have brought it up again and again and again during the hearings. To a large swathe of the party faithful ‘Pizzagate’ lives! Are we in agreement?”
Ted, Josh and Marsha: YES INDEED!”
Ted: We’ve got to keep on hammerin’ away at the idea that so long as Democrats control the two houses of Congress and Senate and God forbid continue controlling the Executive Branch, America’s goin’ to become a place where parents have no say in what their children read or what they’re taught, that biological males are goin’ to be be playin’ on girls’ teams and squatting in women’s bathrooms, and that God almighty HIMself is going to be outlawed. And whether or not we believe this is true is far from the point. We absolutely must keep these fears in the forefront if we are gonna to take back the country . . . if we’re going to continue being showered with the hundreds of millions of campaign dollars our best-heeled donors can bestow upon us. I know that I for one would greatly prefer to be the savior . . . ah . . . President . . . of the United States than a mere senator from the Lone Star State. Are we all in agreement?’
Josh: “Everything except your becoming the next POTUS!”
Tom: “I’m going to have to agree with Josh on that one. How’s about you, Marsha?”
Marsha: “I haven’t really given it much thought . . . I’m too busy raising money for my 2024 reelection race - and perhaps traveling out to meet with the good folks of Ioway . . . “
Josh: OK, it’s time to tighten our ties and our girdle, throw open the doors of the hidey-hole, and get back to the task at hand . . . of warning and solving problems which we do not believe truly exist.”
All: FORWARD INTO THE PAST!!!
Copyright©2022 Kurt F. Stone